Why I do not plan to live in the country--ever.

I stayed with Rae Thursday and Friday night. She lives in a teeny-tiny little town near a slightly bigger tiny town. She lives in a cute little house right along the river. It is, in theory, the perfect place to live. I don't agree in the least. For one thing, I have seen a snake chillin' in the weeds, just waiting to sink it's evil fangs into innocent ol' me. And then there's the noises. People who carry on about the "quiet living" in the country---full of crap. It is noisy out there. And the noises are scary noises. Like fighting raccoons screaming at each other and pigs screeching in unhappiness and unseen creatures rustling around and stuff splashing into and out of the water. I do not care for these sorts of noises--not even a little. I'll take sirens and speeding cars and people yelling over those sounds any day. Quiet living my aunt fanny.

Another unpleasant faucet of country living is the numerous smells, many of which are downright vomitus. Between the skunks and the farm animals and the road kill and the hillbillies--the smells are enough to make your sense of smell contemplate making a run for it. Just yuck. And stuff.

Gravel roads suck ass-- 'nuff said.

I find bugs ucky. There's lotsa bugs in the country. Makes me all itchy just thinking about it. *shudder*

Waving. Everywhere you go some goober's waving at you like you're their best buddy. It's real friendly and all but, well, it's just not something I can summon enthusiasm over. I mean, jeez. I feel so dorky with my hand bobblin' around at someone while my face is clearly saying, "Who the hell is this goober I'm waving at? And why am I waving at them?" It's kinda like being one of those hula bobbles except only your arm is bobbling.

And what's with all the fresh air? Did you ever stop and think that maybe, just maybe, a little pollution smog mix is good for ya? I mean, ya gotta toughen your lungs up somehow, right? Maybe clogging them up with the pollution and such makes your lungs nice and sturdy. Okay, I'm reaching a bit. But still, fresh air in the country is a myth. Remember the smell issue mentioned above--there is nothing fresh about the smell of roadkill and pig poop and rotting fish and cow dooky and skunk stink. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

And it is really dark out there. I like streetlights---lotsa street lights. The dark is kinda unnerving actually. Don't like the uber dark found out in the boondocks. Scary noises are even scarier in the uber darkness. My chicken shit gene has convinced me that that kind of dark is bogeyman enticing dark.

Thank God I'm a city girl.